As much as we all love our delicious Sodexo food served in clean, hygienic Sodexo dining halls, there’s just no substitute for a meal cooked with your own two hands. Unfortunately, because the university doesn’t trust you to not kill yourself with microwaves or hot plates, we here at NU Spork have put together a handy guide to help you prepare food in your dorm room without the pesky constraints of heat sources or proper nutrition.

Let’s start with drinks. Putting even the most unappetizing, viscous liquors in a red Solo cup can go a long way towards lending your meal a festive atmosphere, but for that real, authentic “fratty” taste, you’ve got to plan ahead.

Sprinkle your glasses with a few drops of Coca Cola before you head out for the day; when you feel those congealed, sticky splotches of dried soda on the sides and bottom of your drink you’ll wonder if you’ve suddenly been transported to a ZBT mixer!

Cooking an actual meal in your dorm room is an incredibly difficult proposition, requiring a great deal of creativity and dedication. Naturally, most of you will be making Ramen. We’d just like to simplify the process for you:

DO NOT heat up the illegal water boiler you have stashed under your bed.

DO NOT use it to make a variety of wondrous soups or pastas. Or Ramen.

Doing so is AGAINST SCHOOL RULES FOR A VARIETY OF GOOD AND LOGICAL REASONS!

Now, assuming you’re the one kid on your floor who doesn’t have a contraband water boiler/hot plate/pressure cooker, don’t panic. Alternative heat sources are merely a potential trip to the burn ward away. Try steaming meats and veggies over your radiator. Load up a graphically intensive video game on your laptop and cook an egg over the overheating CPU. The possibilities are endless!

As for actual recipes? I don’t fucking know, try Google, you prick.