Weinberg Senior Unearths Massive Northwestern Conspiracy
EVANSTON – The βNothing Happenedβ Rock is an inconspicuous pinkish rock near Annie May Swift Hall that decrees that βOn this site in 1897 Nothing Happened.β The mysterious and perplexing rock has captured the attention of Weinberg senior Andy Atkins, an anthropology and geology double major, who has been studying the rock for three years. Atkins believes that the rock covers a secret entrance to Northwesternβs underground society, Deru.
βI never trusted that shady group,β said Atkins, βand when I noticed how some of their alleged members seem overly protective of that rock, I knew something was up.β
He adds, βThe rock would be a perfect place for a secret entrance because of its location in relation to the steam tunnels that run beneath the entire campus. The Deru must use the rock to enter their secret underground meeting place to discuss their diabolical plans.β
However, Atkins has experienced difficulty in finding more information about the rockβs connection to Deru. βEvery time I think I encounter a clue about the rock, the information is blacked out, deleted, removed. Books that I thought would contain information suddenly disappear from the library. And sometimes, when I go back to my dorm, I find itβs been ransacked and discover threatening messages from Willie the Wildcat.β
βThis cover-up goes to the top. Schapiro, Bienen, and all the previous presidents who were all supposed members of Deru have gone to great lengths to hide this information from the public. I feel it is my responsibility to expose the truth about that rock.β
Atkins continued, βThis truth involves the University endowment, athletics, academics, and music, and the truth is that ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ.β
βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ. ββββββββββββββββββ βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ ββββββββββββββββββ,β Atkins said. βAnd then the eggs βββββββββββββββββββββββββ βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ.β
βIn conclusion, Deru ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ bottles ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ five hundred ββββββββββββββββββ.β
Parts of this article have been redacted by the Office of the President. President Schapiro has also released a statement disavowing censorship in all university publications, except when ββββββββββββββββββββ ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ.