ITHACA, NY – The moderators of the presidential debates have tried to keep the debates concise and focused to no avail. The candidates ramble, go off topic, and make personal attacks on each other. Despite changes in debate format, stricter moderators, and rules known beforehand and agreed to by both campaigns, the problem persists.

Peter Paddock, an esteemed psychology professor at Cornell University, has an answer: water guns. He explains, “Say Mitt Romney was not talking about the issue being discussed. The moderator would spray Romney and yell ‘Bad Romney! Stay on topic!’ It is exactly the kind of motivation the candidates need.”

“If it works on cats and dogs, it must work on presidential candidates,” concluded Paddock.