EVANSTON – Northwestern English professor Jane Stevens claims that her student Ronald Gold is, “and I am not exaggerating, the worst there has been and will ever be at using hyperbole.” She adds, “since the dawn of time, there has been nobody more terrible at anything than this kid is at using embellishment as a literary device.”

Fellow classmate William King agrees. “If I had to use an analogy to capture my sentiment, I would say his use of hyperbole is as awful as Michael Jordan is good at basketball. In terms of synesthisa, I can taste the blackness of his words.”

The repetition of this motif in both literal and figurative language makes the situation appear bleak. It seems that not even a remedial English class would be able to solve the problem. He is the biggest lost cause in human history.

On his last essay, these are the comments he received: “Just as Sisyphus will perpetually push the rock and never reach the top of the hill, so too will you forever struggle to gain the rhetorical skills of the average teenage girl.” Inspired by the Stygian hill, when asked whether or not she was making mountains out of molehills, Professor Stevens asserted, “If anything I am making a molehill out of a mountain, that is the scope of what we are dealing with here.”

Upon hearing the barrage of insults, Gold was quite distraught. In fact, he was placed in protective custody because nobody knew if he was serious when he said he might as well just jump off a cliff, or if he was just doing an awful job of using hyperbole like usual.