EARTH – According to a recent report issued by scientific journals, current events periodicals, supermarket tabloids, internet bloggers, the Federal Reserve, and the US Department of Transportation, planet Earth is a really fucking depressing place to live.

Drawing from a sample size of over 6 billion people, the report found corruption, narcissism, violence, and willful ignorance to be rampant without exception in every environment settled by human beings. Although these predispositions were only observed in approximately 23% of the global population, this is over twice the rate scientists warn is needed to “really fuck shit up for everyone.”

The report has been published under several different headlines: “43 Dead in Syria Fighting,” “US Math Skills Weakest in Decades,” “Fatal Pakistan Industrial Fires Linked to Official Corruption,” and “Kim Kardashian Net Worth Hits $300 Million.” Regardless of name, however, the report uniformly warns that general apathy, Middle East turmoil, and ineffectual-at-best politicians could doom mankind into repeating the god-awful 1970s.

In order to combat a possible dystopian dark age of apocalyptic proportions, educators worldwide are issuing every school-aged child with a copy of Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.’s God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater. The novel’s timeless message of don’t be a dick is desperately needed to ease international relations, reform social policies, combat partisan politics, dismantle military industrial complexes, and fix just about every fucking thing wrong with this planet.

In order to pay for the new program, US educators have been forced to cut any class that might teach future generations to understand or appreciate whatever message the book contains.

Further complicating the matter, health officials have remarked that even if we learn to act with basic decency and civility, even to those whose opinions or lifestyle choices we disagree with, we’ll still all be fat as shit.