Dear McCormick,
My food-and-money machines keep trying to talk to me. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Oh My Ford

Hypothesis: In all probability, you should answer them. There are a few magic words that increase their responsiveness to your commands and may present future benefits. Be sure to add the following to your vocabulary: please, thank you, and I love you. Your food-and-money machines, or parents as most people call them, also like being addressed by their names. For future reference, these are “mom” and “dad.”

Parents appreciate being called. By you. On the phone. Do this at least once a week, and tell them things about yourself. And “things about yourself” does not include anything about alternative energy or the fact that Design for America is mostly led by people from other countries.

Next, know how to calm your parents down. Exercise and alcohol are great methods for this, so be sure to take your parents for a walk or suggest they have a glass of red wine with dinner. This prepares your parents for our final step:

Ask for money and food. That’s what they’re here for, anyway.

Hola McCormick,
Like many of my engineering brethren, my chest is challenged in the area of follicularity. What can I do to become more pronounced in this area?
Sincerely,
Tormented in Tech

Hypothesis: You’re right. Many engineers don’t have chest hair. The most sensible thing to do is to get over it and continue studying thermodynamics, but as you know, that isn’t always possible. Anyway, here are a few tips that should enhance your hairiness:

1. Rub butter over your chest. The enzymes will stimulate your hair follicles.
2. Pray. Most of you are heathen atheists, and God may have smote you with the body of a 10-year-old boy for this transgression.
3. Felt and superglue can create natural-looking faux chest-hair.
4. Take male-enhancement drugs. Most of them don’t do what they’re advertised to do anyway. Perhaps one of the side-effects will solve your problem.

Thanks for writing in!

Dear McCormick,
There’s this cute girl in one of my distro classes. Do you have any dating advice?
Sincerely,
Pining in Public Speaking

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