EVANSTON – A SafeRide driver was recently arrested for delivering alcohol to a minor. According to court documents, the minor in question placed a call to SafeRide at 9:30 PM, and a driver was dispatched approximately 50 minutes later with spirits in hand. According to university officials, such wait times are not uncommon for students using school resources to get wasted.

“SafeRide drivers may take hours to accomplish minutes’ worth of tasks,” Northwestern spokesman Al Cubbage explained, “but when you’re stranded on Noyes in dire need of a drink, SafeRide will always be there for you.”

Cubbage then made further headlines with the announcement of SafeRide Lite, a new fleet of cars dedicated to reliably delivering alcohol to patient students. Representatives of The Flipside were invited for ride-alongs to see the new drivers in action. I had only been in the car for about a minute when the driver received his first order.

“Got a female student for you at Simpson and Maple,” the radio operator issued. “She called an hour ago, but then I started playing Solitaire.”

“Vodka or rum?” the driver asked as he rifled through a fully-stocked cooler in the backseat. He seemed shocked to hear that she only wanted a ride back home.

“I’m a very ‘scenic’ driver,” the driver spoke as we leisurely ambled towards his destination. “I like to show riders the best Evanston has to offer while they’re puking in my car. If I fall slightly behind schedule, I think it’s a small price to pay.”

The street corner came into view.

“Aw, shit, she’s already been mugged.”

In other news, a Shepard Hall CA has been arrested for selling Adderall to his residents, but only to those who agreed to attend a “super-fun” fireside on body image awareness.