WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama unveiled Tuesday a dramatic new vision for the future of his facial hair. Standing imperially at a podium in the East Room of the White House, Obama announced to the nation, “Today, my face is clean-shaven; my mustache is nonexistent. America, I have decided that this is unacceptable. I have grown the economy the past few years, creating hundreds of thousands of jobs. But I have created nothing on my upper lip. This will all change in the coming months.”

Obama concluded the address, “I promise you that by the November elections, I will have handlebars as large as a bike’s.”

Republican congressmen and politicians were quick to criticize Obama’s facial feature future. “Obama’s follicular plans will kill American jobs and turn the United States into a European socialist nation,” said presidential candidate Mitt Romney. “Each day he doesn’t shave, a razor-blade maker will lose his job. He is forcing his own fashion values on Americans, attacking our dearest freedoms.”

Candidate Rick Santorum criticized Romney, in turn, for not condemning Obama for what he called the “deeper issues here.” Said Mr. Santorum, “Obama’s handlebar mustache will corrupt the youth of our nation, turning them into homosexual atheists. Mitt Romney is as bad as Obama for not calling out the President on his BS.”

Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) defended the President’s address. “President Obama has been under a lot of stress lately. This is just his way of having a little fun – who wouldn’t want a handlebar mustache? I sure do! Growing a mustache is a way for Obama to enjoy life a little more without spending any money, whether it’s his or the taxpayers’.”

Despite Pelosi’s comments – as well as a report from the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office that Obama’s mustache will save the nation $20 due to unused razor blades – Republican protestors gathered around the White House, bearing picket signs with phrases such as “Obama’s Uncut Mustache is an Uncut Budget” and “Raising hairs? Raising taxes is next!”

A senior White House administrator, who wished to remain anonymous, announced Wednesday afternoon that Obama, unwilling to divide the nation on another issue and to stand up for his own beliefs, has decided to continue shaving after all.

Newt Gingrich, meanwhile, has declared plans to grow a soul patch to appeal to the people he will be screwing over if elected to office.