MORTY’S SECRET HIDEOUT – Resident superhero Morty, otherwise known as Morton Owen Schapiro, was called once again to fight the forces of evil when his archenemy City-Council-Man, threatened to “close all the brothels.”

Morty, alerted to this danger by “Save the Brothels” signs around campus, immediately donned his superhero costume – a purple sweater, purple tights, and very cute rimless glasses – and went off to investigate.

Before leaving his secret hideout (which this reporter can exclusively reveal to be connected to NU’s underground tunnel system, near Tech), Morty left this message for students: “I want you all to know that when an evil force threatens you or your homes, I’ll be there.”

Morty has not yet found the elusive City-Council-Man (CCM), who seems to have nine different disguises. Some of these personifications of the villain have issued statements like “I was not aware we were closing the brothels.” This lack of unity among CCM’s personalities has made it difficult for Morty to track down his foe or even to know what it is demanding from NU and its students.

Morty, frustrated by his failure so far to find CCM, promised that when the epic showdown finally happens, “I’m going to nuke that Council bugger, just like I did when an plague of cicadas threatened graduation ceremonies.”

Northwestern students are eagerly awaiting a return of Morty. “Morton Schapiro is so normal,” said Weinberg junior Katie Randalph. “But Morty! He’s so sexy. His Nine O’Clock Shadow of Justice makes me swoon!”

Morty has been successful against CCM and other enemies in the past, saving the brothels last spring and steering Northwestern away from a tarnished reputation when various scandals (“probably devised and orchestrated by City-Council-Man,” Morty commented) occurred around campus last year.

Citizens of Evanston and Northwestern students have always had a rather rocky relationship, as their respective leaders are constantly fighting for the fate of their school year.

Morty plans to defeat CCM with a series of negotiations and “cool ninja-spinning-kick moves,” and his sidekick Alice Walker will be bomboarding the enemy with The Color Purple. He hopes that no one finds out about his one weakness, economics — he is rendered helpless by the beauty of the subject.