EVANSTON — Last Sunday Northwestern University freshmen were forced by the Evanston mayor to pretend they give a rat’s ass and volunteer in their new community through the inaugural SCAPE Project. However, the students were interrupted in their attempted philanthropy by Jesus’ return to Earth.

Despite their moaning and bitching about the probable rainfall, disgruntled students, after awakening from the comas Mayor Tisdahl’s speech had put them into, were herded out into downtown Evanston early Sunday morning to “Give Back, Goddammit,” a motto their high schools had previously beaten into them. Although most of the groups experienced only minor drama such as finding heroin needles in a Chicago park and being followed by an angered homeless man—who seemed to be the owner of the aforementioned needles—one group at St. Mary’s church witnessed something much more alarming: the Messiah returning to Earth.

One witness, Weinberg freshman Joseph Heck, claimed, “We just showed up at this church and some old guy told us to get rid of this whole row of bushes by setting them on fire.” Students at the scene recalled being confused at first. Then, according to Bienen freshman Kara Horcher, “It kind of just hit us that this old guy was obviously Jesus incarnate.”

The freshmen volunteering at St. Mary’s said that what sparked their suspicion was a connection between the task and a Biblical tale about “a burning bush or something.” Peer adviser Lisa Jennings agreed, “There was definitely something fishy about this guy. It was raining heavily and only Jesus would put poor freshmen through a rigorous test like getting wet bushes to catch fire.”

After a quick group huddle to confirm one another’s suspicions in hushed voices that they knew the Son of God could hear anyway, the group decided that they’d better fucking burn those bushes in spite of the rain, lest they be doomed to hell for all eternity or shanked by a crazy old man.

For the rest of the class of 2015, the SCAPE project was another boring part of Welcome Week, which basically did nothing for them morally, since most of them were previously forced to volunteer just so they could get into NU in the first place. As for those at St. Mary’s — well, at least they received a free ticket to heaven, which Jesus distributed in blotters after the bushes had been burned.