EVANSTON – At 2:52 pm, three Evanston City officials armed with duct tape, white gloves, and laws from the 1920s cornered 2,000 Northwestern students as they walked west towards their off-campus residences.

“We got them when they least expected it,” Elizabeth Chambers, one of the officials, said as she wrapped her arm around 60 students’ throats. “Don’t try to stop us.”

“I’ll fucking kill them! I’ll do it!” she added.

Evanston City officials cited unsafe living conditions as the impetus for such drastic measures.

“We cannot have all these people buying food in our community, paying money for living quarters, and studying at least five nights a week when they litter half-dozens of Keystone Light cans onto the public streets.” said Chambers as she gouged the eyes out of a Northwestern Junior.

There are a few Evanston residents that disagree with the city’s actions. 82-year-old Barbara Willard, an active member of the Women’s Club and an alumna of the class of ’51, thinks the city should take a different approach.

“They should cut their ears off,” Willard says. “Then they’ll know how bad it feels when they play their rocking party music and no longer have the aural capacity to hear it.”

The 2,000 Northwestern hostages are trying to fight back against the three city officials who, according to tweets from inside the holding chamber, are simultaneously raping all the students. Their ASG-provided emergency defense mechanisms, however, have proven completely ineffective and largely imaginary.

“If I knew I had to deal with this much bullshit,” wrote Weinberg senior Jon Blinderman on a bloody Bob Marley shirt, “I would have gone Greek.”