NEW YORK—Last week Forbes magazine published its annual list of best colleges in the United States, naming Northwestern University as the best in the Midwest. To the confusion of campus officials, however, Northwestern’s Qatar branch fell short of the University’s overall ranking, reaching only second place in the Middle Eastern nation.  The international campus, home to journalism and communication programs, fell just below the Doha Academy of Advanced Explosive Weaponry (DAAEW).  Editors at the magazine cited prospects for future graduates as the primary reason.

“Forbes is first and foremost a financial publication,” explains Michael Lowe, chief editor of the magazine, “In our rankings, the most important factors are projected future earnings and employment rates of graduates.  The NU Qatar campus exhibited poor statistics in both.”

Indeed, statistics do not lie.  At first glance, a 90% graduate-employment rate from the satellite campus seems impressive; however, of those jobs, 60% required employees to be proficient in ass-wiping, while the only requirement for 23% of the jobs is to “knowing how to make a good cup of Joe.”  In contrast, DAAEW boasts a 100% graduate-employment rate and lands alumni in positions that offer immediate real-world experience at high salaries.

“According to Gallup, people hate America more every day,” an DAAEW spokesperson cited, “and that hatred, combined with constant openings in the field of suicidal bombing, creates a booming business that allows a top-notch weapons academy to attract the best candidates around the world.”

Bob Jones, student currently enrolled in DAAEW, tells his story.  “I graduated from the Medill school of journalism and spent a year in Qatar.  But after graduation, the only place that offered me a job was Fox News.  I didn’t want to be stereotyped as that type of person, so I made a personal choice to enroll in DAAEW.  It was the best decision of my life.”