EVANSTON—As your resident sports-illiterate — or perhaps, more lovingly, the new “area sports girlfriend” — I find that the task has fallen on me to ask you all a question that has been weighing heavily on my mind due to recent articles in both our wonderful Flipside and other, lesser Northwestern newspapers alike: who the hell is Demos?

His name, along with a rather unflattering action shot (seriously, why are all sports photos so unflattering?), appeared in the headline of our previous issue, which leads to me believe that he probably plays a sport. Seeing as we are in college, however, he could merely be a champion beer pong player. Maybe he’s so super great at beer pong that all the other frat guys are jealous, hence the mean headlines.

Or maybe he’s not a sports-er at all, maybe he just has a really frickin’ awesome name. I’m pretty sure one of the goddesses in one of the ancient stories I just read in my seminar was named Demos. Who wouldn’t want to be a goddess? Kudos to his parents, then, for picking such a cool and forward-thinking name for their son. If it’s his last name, he’s just ridiculously lucky.

The bottom line, I’m pretty sure, is that he goes to Northwestern and therefore, despite the headlines, can’t be all that bad. Not playing sports doesn’t make you a nerd (or at least I hope not, since the best I can do is watch the commercials during the World Series football thing) and for most girls the tight pants that most athletes wear should be more than enough. So: skeevy frat guy, ancient Grecian goddess or mediocre athlete, as long as he goes to Northwestern, it’s good enough for a sports newbie, which means it should be good enough for you all, too.