EVANSTON—With newspapers more commonly used nowadays to cover up Keg-induced vomit or Stephen Demos’ tears, the Medill School of Journalism announced yesterday that it plans to alter its curriculum to keep pace with the modern world.

Medill 2030 gets rid of the old stuff nobody cares about (like writing and reporting), replacing its previous curricula with accounting, biochemical engineering and law—professions that actually have jobs available.

“We call it New Journalism,” explained Medill Dean Levine. “The emphasis tends to be more on the ‘New’ than the ‘Journalism’.”

Non-Medill Northwestern students and faculty are also excited about the shift. The ratio of eight students to every one journalist will disappear, allowing people to walk to class without getting cornered for questions. Medill 2030 is also working on eliminating the presence of guilt-trippers handing out fliers.

Levine hopes Medill students are going to become with productive members of society that can potentially support a family of four, like janitors, mechanics, and benches.

Still, some remain in opposition to the change, maintaining that journalism remains a noble and viable profession. “If you go to Medill, you’re going to make it in the journalism world,” said Carl Marcellus, who became a professor after losing his job at the Tribune.

“Just kidding,” he added.