WASHINGTON—The EPA recently released a shocking comprehensive report in which they revealed the true cause of global warming: the end of the Cold War. Although the Cold War neared its end twenty years ago with the collapse of the Berlin Wall, its effects on global temperatures are just now being discovered. According to lead scientist Bill Nye, “the frigid diplomatic relations between the United States and the former USSR were the chief source of global cooling and an effective combatant to the forces that present themselves today as global warming.” He goes further to say that, “all of those stories about the rise of pollution in cities contributing to global warming are just urban legends.”

The groundbreaking report has angered environmentalists everywhere. Former Vice President Al Gore, crusader against global warming, is having trouble coming to terms with this new, even more inconvenient truth. “All this time, I thought I was helping the world by carpooling, conserving energy, and ‘going green’,” said Gore. “In reality, what I should have been doing all along was using my political connections to build up China into a superpower, thus facilitating the creation of a Colder War.”

In accordance with the report’s findings, the EPA has issued a list of recommendations to combat global warming. The organization suggests that people act with a detached demeanor towards anyone they meet while making sure not to allow any situation to escalate into open confrontation. Other advisable steps to take include attempting to see a lunar eclipse before your neighbor, and accumulating a larger collection of tools than any neighbor possesses. Frequent awkward contact with ex-lovers is also encouraged. Smith is confident that with this new information, society will be more capable of fighting the global problem. “If we all do our part to make our personal diplomatic climates a little bit colder, we can solve the problem of global warming once and for all.”