SKOKIE—The corpse of a local paper clip was found dead on the side of Interstate 94 late last night. The condition of the body made it difficult to recognize. After reconstructive analysis, the clip was identified as Clippy [actual name], a local office assistant. The last known photograph of the victim is shown to the left.

“While I won’t comment on the condition of the body, I will say that he won’t be helping anyone format any outlines in the near future,” said the police officer on the scene, Roland Graham. “Poor bastard.”

Evidence from the scene seems to indicate foul play. Aside from various baseball bats and crowbars, there was a boom box discovered at the scene, playing only “Die muthafucka die” on a loop.

Further research into the background of the victim has produced his hometown of Seattle, Washington. Residents from his neighborhood remember him as a tiny and extremely helpful.

“Whenever I would sit on my porch to write my Christmas card or send a note to my cousin, he would always walk by and ask, ‘It looks like you’re writing a letter. Want some help?’” said former Seattle resident Josie Summerstein. “He was so cute. I mean, he never really gave me any good advice, and in retrospect he pretty much screwed everything up all the time, but I appreciated the effort, you know?”

Memorial services will be held at Watson & Jackson Waste and Recycling Services, 2015 Washington Boulevard, from 5 to 9 PM.