EVANSTON—In a shocking move last Thursday morning, Joe “No Liver” Guggenheim, a local convenience store night-shift manager and alcoholic, turned down an offer of a free case of Natty Light. The offer came when the brothers of Tappa Tappa Keg realized that they bought more beer than they could fit in their car. The fraternity was stocking up for a big weekend bash to celebrate the coming of a full moon.

Upon seeing Mr. Guggenheim drunkenly stumbling down the street at 11:00 AM, they offered him the beer rather than returning it to the store. “He seemed like he could, like, use it more than we could, you know, man?” added local bro Chris Steves. “I always, like, see him drinking all the time.”

When asked about his surprise refusal, Guggenheim stated that he “didn’t drink piss water. [takes sip] Seriously man, I’m just too classy for that shit,” said Guggenheim while chugging vodka from a plastic bottle. “I only drink quality stuff like PBR or whatever the hell I’m drinking right now. It’s really good…who are you? How did I get here?”

It is unknown at this time what became of the unwanted beer. Perhaps a contribution was made to Evanston’s homeless community. What? They deserve some fun once and a while.