WASHINGTON—This past week, with the capture and subsequent (successful) rebellion of the Maersk Alabama on the Horn of Africa against Somali pirates, President Obama pledged to fight piracy. He had decided to start with the notoriously “reckless” pirate, Jack Sparrow, aka Johnny Depp due to his flamboyant portrayals of piracy in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.

Other targeted pirates include Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly, as their portrayal of piracy indicated that pirates have some sort of higher purpose. When pressed for more information on the subject matter, President Obama replied, “It is important that we show the American people that we are deadly serious about this piracy problem, and what better place to start than the three most illustrious pirates in America?”

The Flipside attempted to contact Depp when this news came out, but it turned out that had fled the country to the Cayman Islands. There, we believe that he plans to rendezvous with the rest of his crew and begin “to terrorize innocent people just trying to make a living.” The Flipside was able to contact Knightly, and she told us that Bloom wouldn’t be seen for another ten years due to his “work.” She, herself, has decided to join up with Depp, making all of President Obama’s claims to appear to be true.