WHEELING, IL—Bernardo Johnson, intern of Midland Paper, was honored today for the Intern of the Year Award. Johnson, a 39-year-old graduate of the University of North Dakota, has been working for Midland for 14 years. This is the first award for Bernardo, as his recent purchase of a Swingline 3-Hole punch has allowed for the company’s stock status reports to be processed three times faster.

An over joyous Johnson told The Flipside, “Maybe they’ll finally hire me. I haven’t paid my taxes since Reagan was in office. This is the best $10.70 I’ve ever spent!” Johnson’s single hole puncher will be donated to charity.

“I was inspired by my great godfather, Roland Wernoff, who invented the automatic paper shredder. Back in the 1920’s in the height of identity fraud in the United States, he used to tear up papers, one by one, with only his bare hands and a lot of motivation. I used to be like him too, doing punches one at a time. But now I’m done with that lifestyle.”

Many other interns hope to follow in the footsteps of Bernardo. It is likely, however, that someone more qualified, and with more 3-hole punching experience, will replace him.

President of Midland, Theodore C. X. P. D. Midland, told us that he no longer intends to keep Bernardo. “Yeah, we just don’t need his, uh, services anymore at corporate. Now that we have that 3-hole puncher, we may consider sending him to one of our distribution centers in Normal, IL.”

The company does not plan to inform Johnson of his termination. Rather, they believe he’ll get the hint when they take away his gold paper clip trophy, which he received early this morning.

Perhaps Bernardo, and Midland, could have used a Staples Easy Button a long time ago, but even that could not have stimulated productivity like the purchase of the 3-Hole punch.