NU Premed Student Cures Cancer, Receives C Grade
EVANSTONâJason Fisher, an NU Premed student, was shocked when his midterm paper, entitled âFinding the Cure for Cancerâ, received a C grade from his professor, Jeffrey Malloy. The paper, which kept Fisher locked in his room for three sleepless nights until its completion, outlines a radical new method that, when applied to lab rats, was successfully able to cause remission of cancer-causing oncogenes. âTo tell the truth,â a dreary-eyed Fisher lamented, âI thought the paper was pretty sick. I guess Professor Malloy had other ideas.â
Malloy, a notoriously hard grader, explained that Fisherâs paper, though âmeeting his standardsâ, did not go âabove and beyondâ his midterm assignment. Malloy remarked simply, âIâve seen better.â He later added on his initial stance, stating that, âYeah, Mr. Fisher had some neat things to say, but after reading students who have claimed to cure AIDS and the common cold, cancer just seems so run-of-the-mill. Plus, he did not follow proper Chicago style, so thatâs half a letter grade right there. Now if youâll excuse me, I have some grading to do.â Malloy then pulled out a red pen and began reading over a paper from another class entitled, âThe Flying Car: Not a Myth Anymore.â He scowled and uncapped the pen, muttering âOh dear, someoneâs not going to be happy tomorrow.â
As for Fisher and the rest of his Premed 315 class, the only option is to move on and look ahead. âI think I might have discovered the secret to human immortality,â the McCormick junior explained, âand hopefully Malloy will give me at least a B- for that. Iâm hoping we can develop a good relationship, because Iâll probably take some more classes with him. Perhaps âScrewing Over your GPA 201,â I saw that one had pretty good CTECs.â
Fisherâs roommate, School of Communication major Adrian Swift, said that he felt bad that his friend didnât receive a better grade. âI thought it was excellent. I mean, in my mad dash to complete an assignment I hadnât done for my speech performance class, I just grabbed a draft of his paper and used that for my performance. It was pretty dull, but I got an A anyways. If I got an A, I think Jason deserved one too.â