“The kids are still going to be fucking hogs. We all know it. But now those kids are going to be fucking corn-fed hogs. Maybe even hogs grown in cages and forced to take growth hormones. Believe me, this university is going to see a spike in hog-fucking-related injuries.”
“Once I saw that Extra-Large Meat Lover’s pizza on the take-out menu, I was inspired by a burst of disinterest in my future. And the promise of bacon.”
Stoops brought himself within striking distance by forgoing a game-tying PAT in exchange for a failed two-point conversion, then broke the tie by deciding not to go for an onside kick.
After years of grueling research and testing, these researchers were thrilled to discover that the high rates of infidelity in male students on campus was due to the gene, and not just their shitty personalities.
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“I think I blacked out somewhere around my sixth Tequila Sunrise, and by the time I whited back in, I was sitting in a classroom inside this really gothic-looking building. All the students around me looked dead inside. I later found out I was in a Particle Physics class at UChicago.”
“I can’t wait to personally feed every hardworking family’s Christmas tree into a wood chipper.”
“This one’s for you grandma!” Blake yelled tearfully, emptying the contents of a dime-bag onto the polished teak and ripping a fat line off of his grandmother’s final resting place.
“I’m so glad I came to Northwestern—these are the kinds of opportunities only a top-tier university could offer,” she said, examining her new Cartier diamond watch.