Op-Ed: Lifting Makes You a Better Person
If you’re not coughing up protein powder after every meal you probably have some moral failings. It’s just the truth.
Category Archives: No. 220
Op Ed: I Bought a Rice Cooker on “Free and For Sale”
When “Mary” eventually responded, I almost threw my computer out the window for the second time.
Local Man Sporting Shorts All Winter Disappointed No One Asked Him Why He Was Wearing Shorts
“I’m clearly peacocking but not one person has had the courtesy to point it out.”
Area Engineer Relaxes With a Bath and Single Variable Calculus
“I know you could call me boring for not doing something more exciting like multivariable,” Franks said as he put scented candles around his bed, “But I really enjoy it and that’s what counts.”
Puddle on Garrett and Sheridan Celebrates First Birthday
Party-goers sang “Happy Birthday,” told stories about the puddle, and even ate birthday cake during the splendid celebration.
Op-Ed: There’s a Party on Saturday, I Think
After hearing my friend Tamara mention in Econ this morning that she had plans Saturday night, I came to the natural conclusion that there has to be a party.
Area Freshman Loses Wildcard, Keeps Virginity
Schwartz promptly began asking each and every stranger, “Are you my Wildcard? Are you my Wildcard?” Still, Schwartz sustained his virginity, whilst being bereft of Wildcard.
Loud Noise Has Morty Pull Covers Higher Over Head
It took the promise of an extra juice box with breakfast before he’d even poke his head out.
Meme Hero Conscious of Meme History
“This perpetual tide of progress must be tended with vigilance, humanity and insight,” she stated, “and, no matter how rare your Pepe is, we must not forsake the ideals of our visionary ancestors.”
Winner of “Busiest Schedule” Competition Earns Sweet Release of Death
Kreinbihl clinched the competition by pulling a 52-hour Adderall-boosted “catch-up session,” much to the dismay of her housemates.