EVANSTON – This Thursday night, famous person Ezra Klein will be speaking on Northwestern’s Evanston Campus. We’re pretty sure this exciting, and we think it’s because Ezra Klein is Calvin Klein’s sister. We can’t confirm nor deny the identity of Ezra Klein but if he/she does happen to be Calvin Klein’s sister, we think it would be pretty cool.

If Ezra Klein is Calvin Klein’s sister, we estimate she was born sometime around 1945, maybe in New York. She’s probably had a successful career in something like journalism or business. She probably hasn’t been a part of Calvin’s successful fashion company. She’ll probably speak about something along those lines, assuming that is what she’s done with her life. It’ll probably include humorous anecdotes about what it was like growing up with Calvin Klein, and she’ll send the audience off with an inspirational message relating to her career and identity.

Many may express speculation about our conjecture about Ezra Klein’s identity, but we assure you we looked for real evidence before asserting our conclusions. First of all, Klein is spelled the same in both “Ezra Klein” and “Calvin Klein,” which is something siblings often have in common. Also, many people have sisters, and Calvin Klein is a person, so we can’t rule out the possibility that he has a sister. Finally, we couldn’t think of many other famous people with the name “Klein,” and since we don’t know anything about Ezra Klein we reasoned that there would be a connection between them.

The event is probably being sponsored by someone like Stitch Magazine or Medill. It might be The Chronicle, but we don’t think they can get such a famous speaker.