By My Angry Feminist Roommate

OH. EM. GEE. You guys (actually, that phrase is SO non-gender-neutral and totally misogynistic). You students, both female and male, who happen to be reading this well-informed and non-biased feature, Sandra Fluke is here. At Northwestern. OMG.

She’s here RIGHT. NOW. Like I’m literally in the second row of Fisk 217 and I can see her. It’s like I’m BATHING in women’s liberation. I’m more excited than a gay stoner enjoying Denver’s most charming all-you-can-eat brunch buffet. Like, literally, this could top the Special World Women’s Day Edition reading of the Vagina Monologues that I went to in Chicago on Friday, and, like, the only other thing that could top that is if someone grew kale that actually tasted good.

(WAIT NO. I love kale. Kale tastes great. I love to blog about the great tasting kale that I eat. I LOVE KALE.)

Quick, while Sandra’s taking a water break—wait, is that coconut water? Of course it is. OMG Sandra would know coconut water is nature’s best way to hydrate. SHE WOULD—but while she is otherwise occupied, I’d just like to take a moment to congratulate my sisters in Hobart on their Green Cup victory. Your courage and self-sacrifice in completely giving up showering, shaving your legs, and any semblance of hygiene or femininity for Mother Earth was truly inspirational. My own bid for a Green Cup win was tragically sabotaged by my roommates who REFUSE to comply with the SIMPLE recycling system I’ve constructed in our living room. How hard is it to separate your plastics based on color, opacity, and relative density? HOW HARD? UGH.

What do you mean it’s really not that big a deal? No one in Hobart had been planning on showering or shaving for most of February anyways? I mean, I guess I wasn’t either, now that I think about it. Whatever. I’m still skipping my Science distro to watch season two of The L-word in your honor all this week anyways.

OMG. Sandra just coughed. COUGHED. Even her coughs are incredible. WAIT, is she out of coconut water? I should have brought extra coconut water. Or aloe vera juice. Sandra would LOVE aloe vera juice.

WAIT, is that boy trying to offer her REGULAR water? WHO would offer SANDRA FLUKE non-organic, non-coconut-based water? WHO? What do you mean that’s the same basic courtesy offered to all speakers? You probably agree with Rush Limbaugh on a handful of key issues too, DON’T YOU? GOD. Everything is wrong with society. EVERYTHING. I have to go blog about it; I haven’t updated ilovetofuandmenarepigs.com, since I tried that curried kale recipe.